I get it.

I believe one of the worst parts is that I get it.  I'm not anger like my aunt is that they didn't do more or tell us more about her cancer.  If they had, it would have only prolonged her life to be worse.  Not better.  I'm not even someone who wishes she had been longer.  I don't wish any of them could have been here longer.  I see that my mom was sad without my dad.  She would have kept going, and when they told her the end would quicker than she wanted, she didn't want to go.  not even to see my brother.  She looked to the heavens. and said, "I'm sorry, John, I love you, but...", I believe she said, "I'm not ready to see you yet."  She got ready quick.  I think she was worried about me.  She hadn't let on to this yet.  I'm not sure why.  She mostly talked about how it would effect the kids.  But now, when it came down to it, she told me that she worried for me.  The kids had me to see them through, but I had no one.  And that's the worst.  The worst part about having amazing parents and a brother that loved me, is that when they leave you, they leave this gaping hole.  So when it comes time to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, as the old people say, it's tricky.  I mean I get it but it's tricky, I tell you.