Their gone.

No.  Not dead people.

The people that I reside with.  They are gone.  Vacated.

The house is completely empty.

I can hear the voices in my head again!

I use to not want them to go.  Not because of the voices, no, not all of them.  Because of the worst voice.  Fear. "What if something happens? What if they don't come back? What if there's an accident."  Oh, What-if.  You are the worst of all the voices.

The thing is...they don't work.  What-if will put a billion thoughts in your head, and the one that will happen will always be the least obvious or the one that never occurred could even be in his deck.  That's the one that gets played.  And it will lead to What-if changing his voice, and your defenses are up, so you totally bat them away.  Then those come true.  All of them.  Back to back.  They seem little next to the big one that started his hand, but when you step back, they are on a see-saw battling for insanity.  And eventually all the little minions of What-if and What-if himself get start talking and realize that balancing themselves will really do you in.  So they stop their teeter-totter slowly.  Eventually, they have suspended themselves in midair.  The leader with a maniacal grin.  The minions with their tiny piercing giggles, holding their feet in the air and trying not to breath too much.  It works.  You drive, insane head first into pit of despair and hopelessness.  You question everything you knew.  Past tense.  Everything is past tense.  It was only a matter of time when it all will be past tense.

Lucky for you.  If you can withstand the darkness.  (Walk in circles.  Hum an angry tune.  Stare in the distance and believe in it,)  They will lose their balance.  Your left brain and right brain will not be numb to each other.  They will function.  At low synapses but still function. You will be able to stop the circle, the humming, the staring for longer interludes.  And when Whatif comes back to taunt you about all he can gain.  You remember it doesn't matter.   You tie the string on your pinky to ensure it remains attached to the now.  The now will not escape into the past or into the future.  You will hold it with your tiny little pinky and always remember that no matter who leaves, you will remain.

I get it.

I believe one of the worst parts is that I get it.  I'm not anger like my aunt is that they didn't do more or tell us more about her cancer.  If they had, it would have only prolonged her life to be worse.  Not better.  I'm not even someone who wishes she had been longer.  I don't wish any of them could have been here longer.  I see that my mom was sad without my dad.  She would have kept going, and when they told her the end would quicker than she wanted, she didn't want to go.  not even to see my brother.  She looked to the heavens. and said, "I'm sorry, John, I love you, but...", I believe she said, "I'm not ready to see you yet."  She got ready quick.  I think she was worried about me.  She hadn't let on to this yet.  I'm not sure why.  She mostly talked about how it would effect the kids.  But now, when it came down to it, she told me that she worried for me.  The kids had me to see them through, but I had no one.  And that's the worst.  The worst part about having amazing parents and a brother that loved me, is that when they leave you, they leave this gaping hole.  So when it comes time to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, as the old people say, it's tricky.  I mean I get it but it's tricky, I tell you.